There are a stack of things that I perhaps should be doing, ranging from house work to wedding organisation but at the moment I could not be bothered.  

This is my first day of down time since last Monday as every other moment has been absorbed either by work or wedding preparations.  This week has been a particular killer given that I've had four days of 1300 - 2300. This basically means I get up, exercise, prepare food, go to work, come home and go to bed.  My body clock is a little bit upset now and it was only by sheer willpower that I dragged myself out of bed roughly 20 mins ago i.e. 0920.  I suspect I will work my way towards something productive but at the moment I just need some bludging time.

I can tell I'm a bit snowed under given the piles of "stuff" accumulating on my desk....

So I've been on a clean diet for almost a month now and even though I haven't noticed a lot of change and the scales have been pretty stable, I did have four people tell me yesterday that I'd lost more weight.  Given my personal failure to be objective, I take that to be a good thing. :-)

In general, things are going well and I am about embark on the really strict regime until the wedding to help shed those fat clingers.  This will basically involve a cut in the calorie budget, slashing the carbs (which is now ridiculously easy to do) and two extra kettlebell home session to the tune of a circuit.  I've been given one circuit and on 8kgs can swing through four full rotations in just under 30 minutes.  The rest periods will gradually decrease and hopefully it should really help to drill what I've learned.  

I've also progressed to 200m rest and run phases when doing intervals.  My training diary has proven quite useful as I've worked out it takes me four attempts at a particular set up to feel comfortable.  Once I'm good with this I can start looking at reducing the rest to less than the run. I seem to be a little more successful in making progress this time around.

I keep being asked about my end point.  No end point.  I want to be hot for the wedding but I want to be hot and healthy all the time.  I'll stop there before I embark on another one of those sickening rants about how wonderful life is.. 

I have a strong suspicion that I am overtraining.  I've been keeping up a five day exercise program for quite some time now, missing only one or two sessions where I was too sore to move. But I've noticed lately a lack of vigour in my weight/kettlebell and karate sessions along w/ headaches, disrupted sleep, sluggish metabolism and slight elevation in resting pulse.  My BP has also increased from ~110mgHg systolic to 130mmHg.  At the moment I am keeping an eye on it.  I really didn't think any Christmas deviation was worthy of such a hike considering my pre-exercise never touched my BP.  

It has been a pretty good week.  My work team is functioning well and my new student who is soon to be qualified is really setting the bench mark.  It has been a good time to revisit old ground.  

Next week is my other favourite part of the roster. Four days of short shifts!  Nothing quite like life outside of ambulance.  I may actually make it to karate on Monday and I'll be able to do my workouts without going to bed at midnight!  Should have appreciated 10 hour shifts more when they were still around...  It will probably change again in a few years anyway.  

So apart from the usual, wedding plans have been starting to weigh heavily on my mind.  Time is speeding away and I need to get invitations organised very quickly. Once they are all out of the way, I can look at getting the other smaller bits and pieces done.  It means a few weeks of giving up my days off but I will be resting a lot easier when all is in order. I've got that same feeling like when I was at uni and knew there was a complicated assignment due soon and I was short on time, stilling knowing that the complicated part was yet to be done.  All I looked forward to was the day after it was all done.  I'm looking forward to the day but I'm having a touch of difficulty seeing through all that is required beforehand.   Such is life...

I didn't start off that way.  

I get angry at being let down.  I get angry at finding myself on the predictable path towards let down.

Then I get angry at anything that would normally be a minor annoyance.  

That is the point when it is all about me.  I want you to know I'm angry.  I want you to feel what I feel. I want to get what I want despite you because clearly I don't need you. You are not the boss of me.  You do not make the decision here.  I want you to know that like you know your own name.  

If you should surprise me and I find myself not so disappointed or when you concede the error of you ways I shall return to being a soft touch.

Until then, only time will make a temporary bridge. Like a repeatedly broken bone, easier to shatter than before.

No expectations, no pain.  Don't say things without the intention of following up just to justify your actions.  I prefer blunt selfish honesty.  I can be discontent with your selfish ways but find my own way around.  It means YOU are flawed... not us.  It won't break my trust. I won't be inclined not to believe you.  I can do without you hurting me.

FFS laziness - I hate it. 

And still I can't shift this angry weight...  FEEL ME

I respect that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and values but I do feel somewhat invaded when someone comes knocking on my door and proceeds to launch into a great big spiel about such topic.  I literally feel like a prison in my own home.  There was one good things about living at the back of a gated complex...

Anyway, had my first karate class for the year last night.  It was a bit different to what I am used to and having never been there before, not sure if it is the norm or just a starter.  I guess I will learn in time.

It wasn't overly difficult but I still felt sore from the previous two days and the morning's kettlebell session meant that my legs were shaking like earthquakes holding the basic stances.  Had a bit of a sad at the end doing some sprinting exercises after not performing as well as I would have liked.  I realise that it wasn't rational given my level of fatigue and the comparisons drawn were again with people well ahead of me in the fitness game.  At least I am learning.

This morning I am sore all over but knew that I had to do my intervals because of the guilty feeling lurking in my mind.  Surprisingly, I did really, really well and survived to the end without even slumping over the console in an effort to recover.  So, if I can repeat this next time it will be on to the next stage.  This time I'll make it a little less like torture on my body!

Today we're heading down to the Gold Coast for a swim and dinner adventures.  Should be a good afternoon and a nice way to finish my days off before starting back at work on Sunday.  Will be an interesting week with a partner changeover on Monday.  I always feel just a little bit nervous...

This morning I felt tired and was quite sore in the glutes and hamstrings from yesterday's kettlebell circuits.  However, I managed once again to make it through to the end.  This time without feeling like I was about to experience an imminent gastrointestinal problem or die from SOB.  I certainly wasn't feeling healthy but it was a small improvement on previous efforts.  Guess I'm expecting it will take a little longer for me to feel comfortable with this one seeing I cut out a few stages that usually occur first when reducing my rest periods.  

Intervals are not something I ever look forward to doing.  I am almost thankful for every day that I don't have to be on that treadmill doing them but it is only because it is hard.  My cardio has improved dramatically from the days when 10 - 11km/hr was challenge enough.  However, I still find it difficult.  On the bright side I've managed to stay tough to push it until the end.  The mental side is the one things can cause defeat early for me.  But I guess when I've pushed hard enough that my body has been ready to give up, I can't really stop before hand without feeling like a cheat.

Work has been going well.  I enjoy working within a team although it has been somewhat challenging watching over two students in the infancy of their paramedical careers.  The dynamics will change again on Monday when the next rotation occurs. I will just have to wait and see how that works.

I suppose it is time to get on to breakfast and start the day. Much to catch up on...

So the last couple weeks of complacency and generalised fun have had somewhat detrimental effects on my progress.  Talk about peddling backwards rapidly.  It seems to take an eternity to remove weight but it comes back at a purely phenomenal speed.  Nothing too frightening has happened but I can see where things aren't quite like they used to be... oh well.  

I've devised a points system to help get back on track.  The primary aim of this system is to see when and where I fall down in generating the most ideal (but realistic) fitness schedule I can manage.  Food is weighted more heavily than all other aspects.  

We had a good night at a friend's place sinking cocktails and playing Guitar Hero.  

Just realised how much I couldn't be bothered writing an entry right now... far too lethargic.

Suppose I should say that I've been absent because of ongoing problems with that nasty virus my computer had picked up.  I've since reformatted my the drive and things are running like brand new - literally.  I've refrained from installing a lot of extra junk to keep things nice and speedy.  Also adopted Google Chrome which I am so far finding to be awesome. It is simple, fast and just works.  Very user friendly too. 

Starting on a fresh diet focus and knuckling down before the wedding.  

Had my first go on 12kg kettlebells on Tuesday.

Achieved three consecutive chinups from standing on Wednesday.

Sucked it up and finally decreased by rest phase in intervals but didn't quite do it in the usual phases and found myself nearly sick at the end! 

Approaching a partnership changeover at work and adopting a temporary student. 

That be all... going to go collapse somewhere for a while.